Want to speak Twitter Transfer Journalist?

Why not memorise this handy guide, set yourself up a Twitter account with the word “journo” in it and you to can pretend to run a worldwide network of football contacts from the comfort of your mums basement.

My sourcesI’m about to copy from something that someone has posted on one of the 37 constantly refreshing browser tabs I have open on club hashtags
Reports say…Someone else tweeted it somewhere else first
Hearing reports that…Someone else tweeted it onto this hashtag first
Are determined to hold ontoFor some reason, me tweeting things doesn’t turn them into reality
Talks have openedI heard from a mate of a mate who has a cousin in the club store that our chairman sent a text saying “is X for sale” and their chairman said “Dunno, maybe.”
Talks are progressingI’m skulking around the window outside the club offices and saw that the chairmen of both clubs have progressed from pointing at a picture of a player and making a quizzical gesture to putting a number on a calculator and showing it to each other
Talks are continuing but no breakthroughI saw Denise from Finance in Tesco’s. She was taking her time over getting a Meal Deal so clearly she isn’t busy
Advanced talks are taking placeThe chairmen of both clubs are now conversing in long words of not less than three syllables, with no hesitation, deviation or repetition.

Either that or the chairman saw me loitering around the club car park last night and has given me the slip
Talks are at a very advanced stageI can’t find him, so I’m going to tweet this and make it sound like the chairmen of both clubs are now negotiating in a combination of Klingon and interpretative dance
Talks have broken downTalks never happened and my speculative guess/trolling didn’t work out
The player has become unsettledPlayer hasn’t posted on his Instagram that he “really loves the club” for at least 24 hours
Not part of the managers plansThe club has sent an email out to gauge interest except they accidentally CC’d the season ticket holders list
Alerted to the availabilityThe players agent sent an email out to anyone in his contact book to gauge interest
Alerted to the existence of a release clauseBoth the club and the agent have sent an email out to gauge interest and accidentally CC’d etc and so forth
Linked with a move awaySomeone replied to the email
Linked with a move away but signed a new contractNo-one replied to the email but the agent bluffed them into offering the player more money anyway
Likely to be confirmedI have no idea, I’m not a real journalist, I don’t get invited to any press conferences
A medical has been bookedNow I’m really making this up
Will be unveiledHaven’t a clue
Are not willing to meet the valuationNo-one fell for it
Reports in Belgium have surfacedI did a Google search, the player’s name came up but I don’t speak Dutch so I have no idea what it actually says but I’ll report it anyway
Reports from Belgium have been deniedWhoops.  Turns out he was attending the opening of a new bakery by one of the club sponsors. Look, they don’t teach foreign languages on my Uni course!
A deal has been doneNo deal has been done
Our Panel of expertsGarry, Barry and Phil in a Zoom call mentioned him in a desperate attempt to pad the YouTube video out to 30 minutes
Denied reportsI rang the club up, said would they sell the player for a tenner, they said no, I tweet this out and knock off early
Confident of securing a moveIt’s obvious that one club has the money available and the other really needs it, but it’s not moving fast enough for me to keep up the charade that I actually know anything
Remain keenNothing’s happening
Reluctant to sellNothing’s happening
Standing firmNothing’s happening
Personal terms may be an issueReally, nothing’s happening
Still working hard in training despite reports linking him with a move awayHe’s not moving
Discussing payment plansI am under the impression that you can buy Premier League players on Klarna
Club have strongly denied reportsThe chairman said in public that he’s never heard of me
I’m hearing thatBored and fancy trolling a couple of club hashtags
Have joined the raceThe agent DM’d me trying to get me to post on the club hashtags to rustle up some interest
Doesn’t want to move for family reasonsI’ve heard from a mate of a mate than he’s got another secret “family” in that town that no-one knows about.
Is his preferred destinationI’ve heard from a mate of a mate that the player hasn’t been barred from the nightclubs in this town.  Yet.
Moved quickly forDamn, missed the first reports of it in my timeline, must still sound like I’m ITK.
No progress to reportI didn’t notice that my browser had crashed
I broke the news first!I’m relying on you not working out how to use Twitter’s search facility or else this whole thing falls apart

Quick thought on Twitter trolling

The interesting thing about that prick who got arrested for throwing Twitter abuse at Tom Daley is that we’ve got a entire generation who are brought up unaware, shielded even, from the consequences of their actions. Then we put in their hands something that allows them to broadcast instantly, in real time, to millions of people.

So when they make a mistake, they either get away with it, or they get hit with the equivalent of a twenty ton truck. No middle ground. All or nothing.

That doesn’t sound too clever to me.