Why not memorise this handy guide, set yourself up a Twitter account with the word “journo” in it and you to can pretend to run a worldwide network of football contacts from the comfort of your mums basement.
| Phrase | Meaning |
| My sources | I’m about to copy from something that someone has posted on one of the 37 constantly refreshing browser tabs I have open on club hashtags |
| Reports say… | Someone else tweeted it somewhere else first |
| Hearing reports that… | Someone else tweeted it onto this hashtag first |
| Are determined to hold onto | For some reason, me tweeting things doesn’t turn them into reality |
| Talks have opened | I heard from a mate of a mate who has a cousin in the club store that our chairman sent a text saying “is X for sale” and their chairman said “Dunno, maybe.” |
| Talks are progressing | I’m skulking around the window outside the club offices and saw that the chairmen of both clubs have progressed from pointing at a picture of a player and making a quizzical gesture to putting a number on a calculator and showing it to each other |
| Talks are continuing but no breakthrough | I saw Denise from Finance in Tesco’s. She was taking her time over getting a Meal Deal so clearly she isn’t busy |
| Advanced talks are taking place | The chairmen of both clubs are now conversing in long words of not less than three syllables, with no hesitation, deviation or repetition. Either that or the chairman saw me loitering around the club car park last night and has given me the slip |
| Talks are at a very advanced stage | I can’t find him, so I’m going to tweet this and make it sound like the chairmen of both clubs are now negotiating in a combination of Klingon and interpretative dance |
| Talks have broken down | Talks never happened and my speculative guess/trolling didn’t work out |
| The player has become unsettled | Player hasn’t posted on his Instagram that he “really loves the club” for at least 24 hours |
| Not part of the managers plans | The club has sent an email out to gauge interest except they accidentally CC’d the season ticket holders list |
| Alerted to the availability | The players agent sent an email out to anyone in his contact book to gauge interest |
| Alerted to the existence of a release clause | Both the club and the agent have sent an email out to gauge interest and accidentally CC’d etc and so forth |
| Linked with a move away | Someone replied to the email |
| Linked with a move away but signed a new contract | No-one replied to the email but the agent bluffed them into offering the player more money anyway |
| Likely to be confirmed | I have no idea, I’m not a real journalist, I don’t get invited to any press conferences |
| A medical has been booked | Now I’m really making this up |
| Will be unveiled | Haven’t a clue |
| Are not willing to meet the valuation | No-one fell for it |
| Reports in Belgium have surfaced | I did a Google search, the player’s name came up but I don’t speak Dutch so I have no idea what it actually says but I’ll report it anyway |
| Reports from Belgium have been denied | Whoops. Turns out he was attending the opening of a new bakery by one of the club sponsors. Look, they don’t teach foreign languages on my Uni course! |
| A deal has been done | No deal has been done |
| Our Panel of experts | Garry, Barry and Phil in a Zoom call mentioned him in a desperate attempt to pad the YouTube video out to 30 minutes |
| Denied reports | I rang the club up, said would they sell the player for a tenner, they said no, I tweet this out and knock off early |
| Confident of securing a move | It’s obvious that one club has the money available and the other really needs it, but it’s not moving fast enough for me to keep up the charade that I actually know anything |
| Remain keen | Nothing’s happening |
| Reluctant to sell | Nothing’s happening |
| Standing firm | Nothing’s happening |
| Personal terms may be an issue | Really, nothing’s happening |
| Still working hard in training despite reports linking him with a move away | He’s not moving |
| Discussing payment plans | I am under the impression that you can buy Premier League players on Klarna |
| Club have strongly denied reports | The chairman said in public that he’s never heard of me |
| I’m hearing that | Bored and fancy trolling a couple of club hashtags |
| Have joined the race | The agent DM’d me trying to get me to post on the club hashtags to rustle up some interest |
| Doesn’t want to move for family reasons | I’ve heard from a mate of a mate than he’s got another secret “family” in that town that no-one knows about. |
| Is his preferred destination | I’ve heard from a mate of a mate that the player hasn’t been barred from the nightclubs in this town. Yet. |
| Moved quickly for | Damn, missed the first reports of it in my timeline, must still sound like I’m ITK. |
| No progress to report | I didn’t notice that my browser had crashed |
| I broke the news first! | I’m relying on you not working out how to use Twitter’s search facility or else this whole thing falls apart |
Out of My Tiny Mind 